Baby Steps

My OCD is like a constant questioning and doubting of everything, not allowing me to relax and enjoy each day.

It often strikes when I'm most happy, maybe this is because I often think of my OCD as a form of protection - 'I've had this thought, it must be real, I now need to find out and seek reassurance to stop something bad from happening.'

It attacks the most important things in my life and is able to completely blind my judgement.

It doesn't matter how absurd the intrusive thought may be, and how little evidence there is to back it up after trying to reassure myself by going over conversations and performing all of my usual rituals, there will always be a doubting voice chipping in with 'but what if...' undoing all of the convincing and consoling I have just given myself.

It's a vicious vicious circle and one I am trying very hard to break out of.

During this weeks CBT session we discussed 'Theory A' and 'TheoryB'.

Theory A being the the way I view my problem - 'I'm having these thoughts that must be true, I must act on them by seeking reassurance, analysing, checking and repeating or something bad will happen.'

Theory B being the way most people view intrusive thoughts, and hopefully the way I can get a bit on control over mine... eventually.

- 'I'm having some intrusive thoughts that I worry could be true, but thoughts are just thoughts and these haven't been true before so I know I need to just let these go and move on.'

Theory B seems pretty much impossible for me at this point.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be able to brush off an intrusive thought and think 'hey, thoughts are thoughts', to me that feels so nonchalant and careless! But hopefully with the help of CBT and lots of hard work I will get there.

Of course OCD is something that will never go away and I'm never going to be a breezy no shits given kind of girl, but I can try!