Forgotten Trigger

The smallest detail can trigger a rush of intrusive thoughts for me.

Today I rediscovered an old trigger of mine... horoscopes.

I remember as a young teenager flicking through my magazines (Sugar, Bliss, Shout, bibles for every noughties girl) erratically to find the horoscope section.

I would hang onto any negative word or sentence ~ 'Things take an unexpected turn towards the end of the month', 'You will have a difficult decision to make', 'Your circumstances may change', going over and over what these words could possibly mean.

Were me and my family going to be involved in an accident? I'd read about an asteroid possibly coming into contact with earth in a newspaper (this caused me many sleepless nights), was this confirmation that was going to definitely happen? Bird flu was discovered not too far from where I was living in Norfolk (again, more sleepless nights), was this evidence we were about to be wiped out by it?

I was convinced these words were true and as a result of these horoscopes I had rituals that I took part in to try and stop these horrific things from happening. Counting the car lights I could see from a road nearby at night time from the bathroom window, if I could guess the amount of cars that would pass in a certain amount of time then nothing bad would happen. Switching off plug sockets that weren't in use, I'm not sure why this became so important but I remember the panic I would feel if there was one I couldn't get to. Writing in my 'worry doll pad' - a

notepad covered in worry people (little handmade Guatemalan worry dolls you tell your fears too and they supposedly make them go away in your sleep) that my mum got me. I would write 'My family will not die', 'Nothing bad is going to happen to me or my family', 'No one I know or myself will get bird flu', 'An asteroid will not crash into earth' over and over again, also repeating these phrases out loud before bed just to make sure!

Even though every time I turned to this page in a magazine it resulted in crippling anxiety and obsessive worrying for the rest of the month, I was hooked.

I made this mistake today, forgetting how much truth I put into them and knowing that there can't be much truth in them, can there?

'Your weekly horoscope is here!' so inconspicuous on my Facebook timeline, 'what's the harm?' I think.

Thank you for this little gem refinery29 uk -

'Things could get a little choppy in the relationship department. Venus is retrograde from March 4 to April 15, which is scrambling signals in your closest connections. But on Sunday, she slips back into Pisces and your partnership zone. You and a significant other — or a key business collaborator — could butt heads during the rest of this backspin, which lasts until April 15. Is it a stumbling block or a full-on deal breaker?

So of course this translates to me as 'Your relationship is about to end'

Watch this space...